Hello again. Forgot something. 
Things are good. I’ve been going through a bit of growth characteristically. I, with the help of both my dad and my good friend Jesse, realize that some stuff about me needs to change. One thing that my dad and I always seem to discuss whenever I go through these hard times is that I have the propensity to over-analyze the heck out of everything when given enough time alone to sit and ponder. I’ll even over-analyze why I over-analyze. It’s a genetic trait from my dad, so he says. I guess one way to get past that over-analysis to self-deprecation to depression mode I can get into is to change what I’m doing at that moment, day, week, etc. Example: I used to listen to a bunch of music a few years back that I fell out of touch with because I felt that that music wouldn’t be received well by others’ taste and thus would be reflected back on me as a negative personality characteristic (mainly in my own head). By doing this, I realize that I am discontent with how God made me in some sense (Ps. 139:14). I have done this to others in the past. I feel really quite awful and am truly sorry (if you happen to read this and you were one of those people) about it but instead of sinking into the ruts of over-analysis, self-deprecation, then depression about my shortcomings and seemingly constant failures, I need to let go and let Jesus take that burden since it is not mine to bear for His grace is sufficient for me (Mt. 11:30, 2 Cor. 12:9).
With that, I decided to then change some things. I’m going through my old music library to see what I have and reacquaint myself with the joyous music of my youth (mainly ska, jazz, a sprinkling of metal, etc.) and reflect on what God provided for me to experience His joy. The last few days have been a relief in regards to those things. I have been listening to nothing but Chicago, Five Iron Frenzy and the O.C. Supertones. Good ol’ sappy love songs and third wave ska. It’s been fun!
In other news, I’m still praying about my future and what God has in store. Lately, due to this most recent trial, I have been thinking that due to where I have been of late, I feel that something big and completely different is going to happen in my personal life. I continue to pray for direction concerning my future wife and what that will entail on my end responsibility-wise but I’m not sure if that will be the area of change necessarily. My goal as of now is to sit patiently and wait on the Lord Jesus for His direction over my life. In preparation of this, I have been taking a break from my ministrial involvement at Calvary (my church) and am waiting for what God has in store, where He wants me to serve and, most importantly, my relationship with Him and where my heart is in relation to His guidance. I have felt that I have been serving out of obligation for a while and now I feel tired spiritually in concern to service. After eight years at the same church with limited break, I’m amazed at how God has brought me through it.
My good friend, Ms. Margaret, told me that she had seen the need for this in my life and that she was concerned for my well-being due to how I relentlessly serve without regard to my own spiritual well-being. She observed rightly in saying that I should take time to seek the One I’m serving in order to more effectively serve Him out of a heart full of love and attention to His voice instead of one of duty and obligation (Lk. 10:38-42). At the time, I realized the importance of that statement specifically more than any other part of the letter she wrote to me, but now I’m gaining a better understanding as to what she meant by it.
(Margs, if you do read this, thank you for being obedient to God to tell me what He put on your heart to tell me. He knows that I value your opinion very highly and He knew I would listen to whatever you had to say about what you observed. Thank you and I miss you, buddy. Have fun in Jordan and Israel!)
I pray that God helps me to continue to listen and understand what His amazing grace is and how to live and grow by it. I ask that whoever reads this would help me in prayer for this too. If there is any way I can help any of you with whatever, please let me know, thanks.
